Sunday, February 20, 2011

Disgusting Word Vomit

Today...is one of those days that I want to smack everyone and then curl up in my bed and just sleep. I woke up feeling fine...I had a fun night last night, (despite my mother being a cunt, demanding money from me and then leaving me home alone to go out to dinner with her boyfriend.)...I got my coffee and smoked a cigarette...messaged Adam, played CityVille...you know, the usual shit I do when I first get up...

Now, I feel like someone has punched me square in the jaw. I wish I was at work...so I had something to do instead of sit here like an asshole and write...So, anyway...halfway through my cup of coffee, I realized I was super hungry...beings I only ate a salad yesterday and nothing yet today...thinking to myself, Mom would be home soon and make something for dinner....i didn't bother looking for something to eat. Not that it would matter...because theres nothing to eat in this house anyway...

See, my mom hasnt been buying anything...and when i say anything, im not exaggerating....because she's trying to save every penny she has so she can pay the debt she got herself into (7,000$) by next week, because for some reason...she hasnt been taking care of her bills. Like thats a huge shocker. 

Last night before I left to go see Replica play...she asks me...."Wheres my money" in a nasty fucking tone and like shes a pimp demanding cash from her whore...so i slap 70 bucks down on the table...she asks me where i was going, i told her...and i got THE dirtiest fucking look i have ever seen in my life followed by a Pffft....

Now honestly, what the fuck is your problem?? I gave you the money you wanted...all of the money I had...and youre still going to give me a fucking attitude because Im not going to sit home and watch you and your boyfriend make out all night on the couch??? Eat me, bitch. 
But anyway, about my mood today...So, they got home...I'm in my room trying to just quit the "blah miserable me" thing...and they come in, change...Amanda says, "Where are you guys going?" Mom replies, "Out" and they fucking leave. 
Umm, Bye?

So, I dont know where they fucking went, nor do I care...its quiet in the house right now and I dont have to hear sloppy kissing coming from the living room...but really? For someone who cries that they have no money and arent buying groceries and are saving every penny...they are fucking out A LOT. But yet, when I can only give her 70 bucks...I get a fucking attitude. 
Like, for real...Im super annoyed. I still havent eaten, and probably wont because like previously mentioned...nothing to cook...but its ok...they both ate out, im sure. Maybe I'll get a doggy bag or something...

I am just so sick and fucking tired of feeling like this. Im tired of having to deal with her shitty ass im better then everyone attitude...and why dont i say anything to her? Because if i speak my mind, i lose my the place im living...She doesnt care that I have no where to go, she doesnt care if im here or not,she doesnt care that Im super miserable...she will kick me out on my ass without even a second thought....and she wonders why I have to jump state...because I have no where else to go here...

So i bite my tongue...i shrug it off...deal with the shit...blog about it...because if i say something....yeah, well...thatll be that. The last time I said something to her about her drinking issue and the way she spends money...she threw a cordless phone at me, pinned me against a wall asked me if i wanted to fight and kicked me out of the house...Awesome.

I know I keep mentioning moving out...and how it needs to happen, NOW...but im going to say it again. I need to get the FUCK out of here before i lose my temper...I dont do anything to her...im the only one that does house chores...i pay her the money she asks from me...but yet, I still have to suck up the abuse...

This shit aint right. 

But whatever...until i leave here, it wont change. She will never change...she will always be the same...
I honestly dont think she realizes how much of an asshole she is to me. 

Ya know, I sit and think things...reasons...why she is the way she is to me...and the only thing I can come up with is that she hates me...Hates me for having me ruin her life because she had me so young. Hates me for the demise of her and CJ...Hates me for not being as smart and pretty as Amanda...

Why is being me so difficult? Why is the life i lead so full of struggle? How long is this shit going to last? When will I be free of the garbage my mother puts me through? When will fucking life START?!?!!?

I need a fucking drink.

Just chewing the throw up,
-J.C.

No comments:

Post a Comment