Flowers In My Hair

He left last night, like he always does on Thursday evenings.....and again, i'm left unable to breathe...unable to think straight. Feeling as if im bound and gagged. I dont know why these feelings are so strong about this boy. I have never felt so connected, so sure...about a man in my entire life. There has to be something wrong with me. I have to be broken. I dont do this. This isnt like me.

All i can think about...all i can see...is the way my hair falls everywhere when im straddling him. The way his deep blue eyes pierce through me, as if he can see deep into my soul. The way his finger tips feel when they trace designs on me that practically sear themselves into my flesh. The way my lips burn when he leaves. The way my entire body erupts in fire when hes deep inside of me. But, most of all....those eyes. So beautiful. So mysterious. And its as if he knew me already...as if our paths crossed in some other time period. Some other plane of existence.

As much as i hate the way i feel so, out of control, i dont want it to stop. I dont want him to take away the last shred of emotion that i didnt even know i had. Is this the way living is supposed to feel? Ripping, tearing, shredding, destroying, pulsating, sweating, needing, wanting, silken, inside, outside, everywhere. All at once. I dont even think i have words for this. Theres no explanation. No reasoning behind it.

He makes me want to fly. To be a better person. He makes me feel beautiful. Wanted. Desired.

I want him all to myself. To fold him up in a paisley decorated cloth and hide him in my pocket. I want to be able to tell him everything...every last deep dark haunting secret. I want him to call upon me when his road gets bumpy. I want nothing more then to have every ounce of his love, his adoration, his jealousy, his anger...everything. I want to be able to memorize every scar on his delicious body. I want him to give me his whole self.

I have never had this many issues with a man. Never. I cant go one second without thinking about him...wondering what hes doing...hoping i'll get to see him before the sun sets on yet another fabulous day. I want him to forever trace hearts in the sky with me. To lay on the earthen floor and count the ways he adores me to the number of stars in the sky.

This has to be a dream. These kinds of things dont happen to me. I dont get this way. Why is this one so different? I need to know, and im not going to stop until i find out. 

Never ever going to stop.  

-J.C.