Whispering

There is so much on my mind tonight...but yet, for some reason, nothing wants to come out. I feel like I am losing my voice again. I am just alone...ignored...and so so sad. 

Everyone keeps saying that things cant get any worse...that I'll have everything i dream because I deserve it...that everything will be ok...

But, after all this time, nothing seems to be changing. Just more disappointment. 

I used to drive past this house on my way home from work...it was for sale...it was beautiful and wonderful...and it was under 200,000...the last time i looked...it was $199,900...which was only about a week ago.

The other day...The for sale sign was gone and there was a maroon SUV in the drive way. Some other people moved into the house I fantasized about. It just about broke my heart...and then i remembered...That house wasn't even an option...I just had to be reminded...

Just had to wake up from that dream. 

I am so tired of feeling like this...like I am sitting at a dead end road and there isnt anything I can do. 

And to make it worse...even though blogging always makes me feel a tiny bit better...I am so afraid I am going to get told that all i do is bitch about things that dont even matter. 

But it does matter...it matters to me. 

I saw another person from high school's facebook today...And they are having a baby. They had a beautiful wedding...the kind of wedding i am dreaming of...they have a house, with a white picket fence and gardens...and now they have a baby on the way to complete their happily ever after. And she doesnt even work....How is that even possible!? How can someone who works for nothing have everything?

Jealous? Yes, I am...I am absolutely GREEN with envy. Sigh. 

Days like today...I just want to be held...Have someone tell me everything will be alright...even if it is a lie. Just lie to me, So i can get through another day. I guess I will go to bed. 

I just crave to sleep all the time...When i am sleeping, it doesnt hurt. When I am sleeping, everything is alright. When i am sleeping, I live in a beautiful house,  Adam and I are married...and I am never alone. Never wanting, needing...pleading for attention. 

Until the storm subsides, 

-J.C.