This morning, I found out some news that kind of shook my world. A friend that I hung out with in High School passed away last night. It wasn't the kind of shaking that I felt when Robert passed away but I was still in utter shock when I heard the news.
When Robert passed away, I was almost 19...I was so absolutely devastated...I remember being so upset at the wake, that CJ kept handing me a flask with blackhause in it to calm me down. He told me that everyone needed me to stay strong...that crying wasnt supposed to happen at wakes. He said that when people saw me cry, they would cry too because i was crying from my soul. He told me to close my eyes and I would feel better. I remember almost falling to my knees at the funeral because I was too weak to stand up. Shana and Chris kept me steady. They held my hands. They let me sing as loud as i could at the top of my lungs on the way there because they knew it would keep my mind off of things. They let me cry. Sweet moon, I miss him...so much.
I still catch myself picking up the phone to call Grandma Dee. I started dialing her number the day after Adam proposed to me...and then felt sick to my stomach because it was like....I forgot. Its been what? Four years? Four years and I still want to call her and talk to her. I would love to hear her laugh, just once more.
On days like today, it makes me stop...take a deep breath...and hold close all my loved ones. That is why I live for the moment...why I make each day count...why i document all of my emotions...because you never know. In the blink of an eye...someone could be gone. In a car accident, a motorcycle accident...or just slipping away in their sleep...You just never know.
What would I do if i lost Adam? Or my Sister? Or my Mama or Garrett? What if Shana wasnt here anymore? I would crumble up into a ball. A useless piece of nothing. I wouldnt sing or write. I wouldnt paint or dance.
Live for your today. Hug the people you love...Tell them how much they mean to you...Even if you are fighting with them or angry with them for some reason...
People get angry with me because I try to do things that way. I want to just hold you and kiss you...i want to listen to your heart beat. I want to spend time laughing. There is nothing more important then being around the people you love. NOTHING. Because, like i said....You just never know.
I could be gone tomorrow.
Having another taste of mortality,
-J.C.
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