This was an original journal entry...Slowly opening up my books for all of you.
I just read through my entire journal...and damnitt, I feel like I will forever be a hot mess. I dont know why I can never be happy. I have been living through anguish for as long as I can remember...and that's been my entire life. Nothing has ever been simple or pleasant. Everything has always turned to shit...and when something different comes along, I get bored.
I am so fucking helpless when it comes to love. It's like, no one wants to be around me after awhile because all I do is poison their souls. How far will they allow me to keep injecting them with my toxicity? How long will they stand me? How long will I have to put up with new guys, beginnings of relationships...until I find one thats immune to my poison? I fucking hate myself. And I hate how i keep destroying people. When will the sun shine into my cold, dark frost-bitten world? Who will be the one to help me have "Happily Ever After?"
Usually, once in awhile, i'll go through my journal...and answer all the questions I wrote, or comment on all the things that happened...
I wrote that journal entry, 8 months ago...and as of right this minute, none of it matters. I believe I have found that one person who is immune...or maybe even just addicted to my poison...it's like it's their drug, taking it by inhaling the scent of me and tasting the sweat on my neck or that beads on my forehead when we are pressed together.
I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.
Nothing is going to stop me from moving forward with this.
He is what Destiny has written for me...There is always a plan...a path to follow...even if it's not straight, There is a path...
I live for you.
Incommensurately,
-J.C.
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