My Eyes Sting...My Hands Shake

I am sad. This sudden depression has slammed me back into an abyss...I feel like I am drowning in my own depths of shit. 

I feel like everything is going wrong. 

I hurt so bad...and yet, when I subtly ask for someone to help...they leave me...alone. 

Everyone does it. 

If there is something that can go bad...it will happen to me. I have never been one of the most lucky people. 

I am trying my hardest to make ends meet...

I'm trying to work as many hours as I can so I can save money to move out of this place. I need to move out. I am trapped and I am suffocating. Slowly decaying. I NEED OUT. 

I looked in the mirror tonight, after I cried my eyes out from being so frustrated, and let out the most terrifying scream I have ever made...it was as if sadness and rage was pouring out of my mouth...

I can't sit still anymore...I'm going to start pulling my hair out...I'm itchy and hot and achy and if i sit still ANYMORE...I am going to start breaking shit...just to relieve some of this angst.

I'm sitting on the floor...rocking...back and forth, back and forth...slamming my head against the wall...It makes the time pass easier. 

I want to crawl into The Elsewhere, shut the door and lay in one of my imaginary gardens...practice that thing where you take oxygen into your body. 

I think I have stopped doing that. 

But after awhile...we all know The Elsewhere becomes too constricting after awhile. 

Retching out poison, 

-J.C.